PINK - By Sanwayee Dey

 

PINK

By Sanwayee Dey

I was scrolling through Pinterest a few months back to discover the perfect posters that would infuse my room with charm. Among the myriad options, one theme dominated my thoughts – the captivating allure of pink. A few moments later, my attention shifted when I stumbled upon the teaser for the upcoming live-action Barbie movie. This glimpse into the film triggered a rush of nostalgic affection for Barbie, a cherished presence from my childhood. The dolls, the films, the stickers – they all held a special place in my heart. Yet, the focus here isn't solely on Barbie; it's on the catalyst that ignited my affection. That catalyst was none other than the colour pink. Throughout my life, from its earliest moments, pink has held a unique fascination for me – perhaps even an obsession. The exact inception of this love eludes my memory, but one thing remains constant: my enduring adoration for this hue. It's possible that young me found a profound resonance with pink, or maybe it was simply the magnetic pull of this colour on little Sanwayee's developing mind. Regardless of its origins, a distinctive, genuine sentiment emerged. This sentiment seamlessly integrated pink into the very essence of who I am. 

I was truly fixated on it for an extended period. Whether it was clothing, stationery, accessories, or anything else, my main focus was ensuring that it had a touch of pink. During that period, this was a common preference among most of the girls in my circle, so there was nothing unusual about it. Essentially, I joyfully infused my world with shades of pink, until I couldn’t anymore.

You see, as much as we do not want to admit it, our teenage was complicated. It was the time when we tried to grow and let everyone know how important we were. It was also the time people’s expectations for us suddenly grew far too high. They wanted us to behave like adults, but not really. And that was probably the reason for our behaviour. In this case, it was the time when I had to grow up for survival. No, I was not sent to a forest to survive the ‘Hunger Games’, but I was sent to a girl’s hostel. To gain better opportunities, I had to leave my rose-coloured world and go far away from it. I think it was the first time I faced the real world. Girls around me had ditched pinks and pastels, and instead went for blacks, greys, whites, and blues, which are great colours, but not quite me. But those shades were considered ‘cooler’, and unfortunately, it didn’t take me long to join the flock, in order to ‘fit in’.  For a while, I lost my actual colours in order to blend in. But deep down, I understood what I actually desired. After a while, when I felt more at peace there, I developed confidence, most likely for the first time in my life. Slowly and thankfully, I began to own myself again, by owning my colours, owning my interests, and not caring if I didn’t fit in. And surprisingly everything worked out. 

I was in the midst of the rat race of growing up and accomplishing things at the time, so I didn't have time to halt and reflect on this experience.  But now that I've finished this essay, and a lot of time has passed, I recognise how significant it all was. By this point, the Barbie movie had already been released, and I had seen and enjoyed it. Gerwig's take on smashing the patriarchy made me chuckle the entire time. And then Billie Eilish's song "What Was I Made For?" played in that one heart-touching scene... and I cried. 

While shedding those tears I realised something. I realised that all that happened, my journey to own myself, and not be afraid to choose my own version of 'cool' was so much more than a part of growing up. And yet no one helped me realise it. Instead, people still tried to make me think my choices were 'uncool' or 'childish'. Writing this essay is my way of healing my inner child, to keep her alive within me. It's a heartfelt celebration of my girlhood, a homage to the very essence that shaped who I am today.